Narcissistic abusers don’t have life partners, they have hostages. It doesn’t seem that way at first. Trauma bonds, social conditioning, the prevalence of gaslighting, and the everyday acceptance—or even glamorization—of toxic behaviors all around us slow a victim’s ability to see clearly and acknowledge the reality she faces. Hostage situations require acceptance, strategy, negotiation, and time.
My gendered pronouns are intentional. While I am not denying the existence of male and male-identifying victims of family violence, research upholds and affirms that there is a far greater oppression of women by men.
[CW: relationship violence, emotional trauma, battery, child endangerment]
In more than a decade of advocacy, victim-survivors have shared with me countless valid, relatable, and sometimes familiar reasons they did not leave emotionally or physically violent relationships at the first sight of danger. So often the victim is a hopeful, loving, optimistic human at the core—she genuinely believes the situation can improve, that the relationship might still be saved. (This doesn’t happen, of course. Narcissistic abusers get worse with time and age, never better.)
Sometimes victims have keen survival instincts and are notably realistic—meaning they know their safety and life will be in greater danger when they leave and the abuser feels exposed. Data fully supports this tragic reality.
In some cases, it’s all too common that friends and family members who should be offering support to the victim misidentify where the struggle lies. Victims are told things like, “We understand he’s suffering. We’re counting on you to care for him.” By portraying his actions against her as a mental health crisis instead of holding him accountable to the abuse, they’re basically throwing her to the wolves. They’re revealing that he is the one they value or revere.
It’s increasingly common that the victim stays because the perpetrator or his relatives believe he will kill himself if she leaves. She now has to survive emotional blackmail along with the earlier abuses.
Many victims feel shame and stigma around planning to abandon a relationship they vowed to devote their life to. (It’s important to be clear that he’s the one who broke the pact when he gaslighted, coerced, threatened, stalked, and/or physically abused her.)
Or there are practical reasons she stays, like she simply has no access to money or no reasonable place to go. (Strong local domestic violence agencies are essential community supports that are suffering major cuts to federal funding as we speak. The stats are available here.)
Most often, the victim has children with the abuser and her fears for their safety supersede absolutely everything else.
Victim-survivors who are protective parents endure fears that can be impossible to adequately define. They know that once they have left safely with the children, the court will still allow their abuser contact and parenting time. If you’ve been in the family court system you already understand that parental rights too often override child safety. We live in a world where men restrained by Domestic Violence Restraining Orders, Gun Violence Restraining Orders, and similar, expect to and fight to receive parenting time.
During the abuser’s parenting time the victim will not be present to protect her children from him and members of his family who might also be dangerous or at least unqualified for childcare. Too many women worldwide have faced judges who have had little or no legitimate DV education and made on-record statements like “just because he abused you does not mean he will abuse the children.” Obviously, data does not bear this out. In fact, a narcissistic abuser courts chaos and will often harm a child as means to continue hurting the mother.
Educated judges are essential. I carry so much gratitude for hardworking officers of the Court who are DV-aware and trauma-informed; who “get it” and issue the findings and rulings that protect children. We so wish there were more of you . . .
So why aren’t we all asking better questions? Why in 2025 do we still face a fervent culture of misogyny? Why are law enforcement and family court systems still built to accommodate male privilege? Why does society accept male violence and the systems that enable it? And at the core of this all, why is he violent?
Why is he violent? There are a thousand reasons why she stays; why she might be slow to leave . . . To focus our attention on her reactions to violence—instead of the crucial accountabilities for his violence—is the very definition of victim-blaming and the very thing that needs to stop.
If you are or know a victim-survivor forming an exit strategy . . . basic planning guidance is available here. If you have a good local domestic violence agency, their support can be essential, even for those not in need of shelter. Many offer legal assistance and legal help clinics as well as personal empowerment programming. Every victim-survivor deserves a support network— it takes a village.
Sometimes I write about victim-survivors and their advocates as being overwhelmed and exhausted, but I have never meant that victims are without courage and ferocity. In the words of Brave New You author Cory Allen, bravery is not always loud. More often it’s “a quiet clarity that says, ‘not this anymore’.” Not this.
More mindful things from Cory Allen: reminders that “When You Grow, Not Everyone Comes with You” and “You Are Not Their Projection.”
Recently the brave and honest testimony by Cassie Ventura in the United States v. Combs trial was notable but triggering to victim-survivors. Here is some excellent work that we might consider reading in the aftermath:
Dr. Emma Katz takes on victim blaming in “She Didn’t Pick Wrong. Society Failed by Creating Millions of Abusive Men.” She details how “the scale of the risk means we need to stop blaming women for ‘ignoring red flags’ when men turn out to be controlling and abusive partners.”
Yolanda Wiggins writes for Ms. Magazine that “Consent Is Not a Contract.” Cassie Ventura’s testimony is an essential reminder that “consent can be withdrawn, power distorts choice,” and believing women “should never hinge on perfect timing and proof.”
Recently someone told me “I worry that I’m saying wrong things to my survivor-friend.” First, the key thing is that you’re seeing her, you’re listening, you’re making space for her reality. That’s valuable beyond measure.
In case it’s helpful, here are some affirming points to share:
Healing isn’t linear—it’s not going to happen in a straight line. Sometimes the path to your brighter future will meander, other times it will spiral, it will shoot up, dip down or circle around. Give yourself grace. There’s no right or wrong way to heal.
It’s okay if certain things are too hard to talk about. Sometimes you will need to talk about your history, other times you will need to talk about anything but that. Again, there’s no right or wrong way to heal.
Take all the time you need. Your true friends will still be there for you.
Let’s normalize saying it aloud: I’m here for you.
What is your favorite self-care this Spring?
Scenic walks, yoga classes or stretch lab sessions, a brunch or coffee date with an old friend, gardening or just literally stopping to smell the flowers, a meditation session or sound bath, photographing the ocean or lake or river, finding and listening to an old playlist, singing in the shower, dancing in the kitchen, reading a novel or story outdoors, turning your phone off, watching a classic movie, viewing art, making art, making it wilder, then making more. Also: blocking the new guy who suggests your self-care list is a little too precious. Forget him. Be precious. Protect your peace.
Thank you for reading Life Edits w. Stacy Stern.
Stacy Stern is an advocate for survivors of relationship violence, stalking, and post-separation abuse. As an author and editor, she has worked with hundreds of writers in the United States and abroad. She has ghostwritten works in the parenting space and has contributed to titles on healing and emotional resilience.
The Life Edits platform focuses on continuing education, goals coaching, and self-care journaling to support abuse survivors. We are grateful for your 2025 subscription upgrades, gift subscriptions, and founding memberships, which are essential to supporting this ongoing work.
Please save the date. The National Network to End Domestic Violence has named June 5, 2025 a #DayOfAction to demand federal funding for sexual assault and domestic violence services. Mark your calendar, share with you community, and let’s raise our voices to ensure the Congress maintains these essential lifesaving programs. A #DayOfAction toolkit will be available soon.