“What Can Be Done?”
It is estimated that more than 200,000 cases of family abduction occur annually in the United States.
CW: child abduction, child abuse, custodial interference, post-separation violence
The Justice Department and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children estimate that more than 200,000 cases of family abduction occur annually in the United States alone. That number is staggering, even for the child safety professionals in the trenches.
Last Saturday, a protective parent, Jennifer, wrote the following to advocacy groups: “Yesterday my perpetrator walked into my daughter’s school and as she was waiting in line to ride the bus home to me, grabbed her, and took her. He is refusing to return her. The police haven’t done anything and I cannot speak to a judge until Monday.”
Jennifer posted a plea on social media. “Fairfax County (Virginia) Police Department DO BETTER. Protect and serve.”
It’s 2026 and still many in law enforcement see such events as family matters or family court concerns instead of crimes and indicators of future violence. In such instances there is little the safe parent can do to prevent the perpetrating parent from leaving the county, the state, and sometimes the country with their child.
Within a culture of relentless misogyny it’s typical that the reporting mother is scrutinized and the biological father/abductor gets special treatment. There are court orders, nonetheless the perpetrating father’s entitlements can support him taking matters into his own hands believing (too often correctly) that he’ll get away with it.
We need systems to better understand the sociopathy behind these parental abductions and withholding events. We need systems more efficient and in communication with one another. The glaring absence of education, understanding, and cooperation has dire consequences.
Why does a protective mom have to campaign so hard for authorities to enforce an order of the court? Why are so many women laughed at when they seek proactive solutions? Why are they dismissed when asking reasonable questions, like when an Amber Alert can be issued? (I was once told, “Cool it. We’re not quite there yet.”)
Somehow there remains a dangerous default; authorities sympathizing with the perpetrating father, hesitating to believe that a father is acting with malice or that the child is in real or immediate danger. When the abductor is unstable, a narcissistic abuser, or both, it is crucial that safety risks are fully understood.
Even in events that see “proper outcomes”, acts that have intentionally placed a mother in fear for her child’s wellbeing and life meet the legal standard for emotional domestic violence. To put it another way, these events are usually purposeful acts of psychological warfare.
Parental kidnapping is a crime—typically a felony—in all U.S. states and territories. Parental withholding (refusing to complete custodial exchange as specified by court order) is considered a lesser crime, typically charged as misdemeanor, although the victim impact can be similarly terrifying.
In California, the first time my abuser withheld my child, a friend accompanied me to the police department. She had grown up around law enforcement and knew to get right to the point. “What can be done?” she demanded.
One of the PD’s service officers looked over the tall counter between us and him with a steely look that clearly suggested nothing. Later in an interview room a detective told me officers had spoken to the perpetrating father, ensured our child was unharmed, and encouraged him to complete the custodial exchange as ordered. It’s just that he has his own interpretation of the orders.
Back to that earlier moment, across the counter: the CSO with the steely stare also said, “Sometimes it takes a few days. Sometimes moms do not get their children back.” He was brutal in his delivery of words I will never forget, but I didn’t want to be lied to either. I did not know then that years later, via advocacy projects, I would meet some of them—the loving moms whose babies never came home.
I was considered one of the lucky ones. Three days later my child was back in my arms. Those were the longest, most treacherous three days of my life; they felt like decades and fueled my future nightmares. I did not yet have a restraining order—that would come two years and several events later. So in that particular instance there was no accountability.
At other crucial junctures I was blessed to encounter officials who got it, who prioritized my child’s safety and my own. I’m deeply grateful to them. Still there were those times when responses were not just inadequate; they were absurd. “He seems like a really nice guy,” one responding officer said to me. “Have you ever tried just talking to him?”
We were many years, court hearings, and incident reports into my case at that time—so yeah, just a nice little chat with the man intent on ruining me and disrupting the peace of my child. That should do the trick, wow, thanks! Just talking to him—why didn’t I think of that?!
“He seemed like a good guy.” Of course he did. Perpetrating fathers present well. Until they ultimately unravel and don’t; until their harm is irreparable and it’s too late.
There is a horrifically long list of children and mothers who lost their lives to men who appeared to others to be normal, to be nice, even charming; such “good guys.”
All systems need to do better.
As esteemed Professor Joan Meier says, really addressing these issues means we must “shift the framework of the systems, along with the culture.” (Meier is the National Family Violence Law Center Professor of Clinical Law and Director of the National Family Violence Law Center at the George Washington University Law School.)
Yes, Fairfax County, do better.
We’re all praying for Jennifer and her daughter, awaiting word on whether they have been reunited this week.
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All children deserve to thrive and to live within the safety and stability provided by their safe parent. Here are some important resources:
The National Family Violence Law Center
The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
Government Directory of International Child Abduction Info and Resources
The Duluth Model for Post-Separation Power and Control
The National Network to End Domestic Violence
“Domestic violence, custodial interference, and parental abduction related calls have been determined to constitute the single largest category of calls received by police in the United States.” -KCP